This year started off really great. My husband and I welcomed in 2014 from Nashville with my family. To be more precise, we rang in the New Year at my parent’s log cabin overlooking the lake as the snow fell like tiny ballerinas dancing down from the sky. On New Year’s Day, I officially launched this blog (woot woot!) and received such warm-n-fuzzy feedback from friends across the interweb. I just had this feeling that 2014 was going to be amazing!
Boy oh boy, did it start off amazing. We fell pregnant (Well, I did, but hey) and took a romantic vacation to one of the most beautiful beaches in Australia. All loved-up on life, the hubby and I felt like this was our year. The year of blessing and ease. One we’ve been undoubtedly waiting for.
But then, this happened. And then while we were still reeling from the pain and sorrow, we lost Craig’s father. Then, on top of our mountain of grief, piled more grief—the loss of my grandfather. (Oh, and I broke my finger, but that seems pretty trivial as I type this out.)
After all this disappointment and pain happened to us within the span of about 5 months, I started generalizing the year that is. When people would ask me how I was doing, my response always started with, “well, it’s been a really bad year for us” or “well, considering the circumstances.” It’s like I needed to forewarn people that HELLO, I’M NOT OKAY.
And, therein lies my mistake.
The grumbling and constant focus on ‘what’s gone wrong’ created a powerful field of negativity around me. I obsessed about all the bad things happening in my life and began to become resentful that nothing good was coming my way. In my most dire state, I’d list off all the grief and loss and cynically wonder when it was all going to stop. When the bad was going to stop and the good would start up again.
‘Cause aren’t we cyclic beings?
Don’t good things come after bad ones?
Eckhart Tolle sure tells me so. . .
A revelation (yes, it was that momentous!) came to me in one of my meditations. I was lying there in my little space of solitude and stillness just asking God to speak to me. This is what happened next: I visualized a heavy iron-clad sphere encircling me locked shut by a heavy, metal clasp. (It was like a prop straight off the set of Gladiator.) I knew this iron shell represented the negative energy I’d been carrying for the past 7 months. It was keeping me trapped, yet something (um, God!) told me that good things are coming my way. I am just not able to receive them with my current attitude.
Seriously this sister needed an attitude check. And fast!
In my meditation, I saw the metal clasp being broken and watched as the iron shell cracked open, exposing me to the light. A light I so desperately craved in those moments of darkness. It all came full circle (excuse the pun) and began to make perfect sense!
Good is all around us. We are created by good for good. Yes, bad things do happen. Hey, we live in a fallen world. But, good is present. Because I allowed myself to get hardened by the disappointment and pain, I shut myself off to the good around me. I couldn’t recognize it if it hit me in the face like a smelly fart.
It wasn’t that good things weren’t happening; it was that they were overshadowed by my negativity. Oh, and I was only looking for the good things that I wanted. I had this little box of wishes, and if a blessing came my way that didn’t fit into my box, I couldn’t see it as a blessing at all.
In fact, some freakin’ amazing things have happened—-my brother got married to this awesome chick who I now call a sister, and it was probably the best wedding I’ve ever been to ’cause it was IN. A. BARN. Country style and filled with fairy lights. My sister came to visit me for a month in Australia and do all sorts of adventurous, sister-y things. I’ve met some amazing new friends through my blogging / wellness journey who I believe will be soul-sisters for life. Best of all, I’m still madly in love with my hubby of 5 1/2 years and count that as a major feat with today’s marriage stats.
So, if you are like I was—wallowing in self-pity and noticing how everyone else’s lives appear perfect, then ask yourself:
- Where in my life do I need to clear out some negative energy?
- What are 5 things that I am grateful for in my life as it is right now?
- Is there anything (expectations, outcomes, past hurts) that I need to let go of in order to open my heart to the good around me?
- How can I bring more good into the world?
// ACTION STEP: Journal time!! Carve out 5-10 minutes this week to ponder the questions above. You’re bound to have a revelation of your own!
With love and gratitude,