On June 30th this year, my life changed forever. I became a mother which, in turn, made me grow up real fast. The daunting reality that my life isn’t totally mine anymore hit me like a steam train around the fifth day after Rafe was born. Those first few days were magically filled with a sleeping beauty and lots of euphoria. Don’t get me wrong, the excitement of being the mom to this sweet, hilarious, endearing baby boy still courses through my veins, but the sleepless nights in those first few
weeks months really took a toll on me, both mentally and physically.
My mom kept reminding me that sleep deprivation is a form of war torture for good reason; it literally almost drove me insane. Actually, it might have a few times, just ask my husband.
Insanity aside, becoming a mother is something I’ve always longed for. After a bumpy start to parenthood, I feel so freakin’ blessed to hold Rafe in my arms. To call him mine. To wake up to his heart-stopping, dimple-filled smile every morning. Seriously, swoon.
On one hand, motherhood has brought so much meaning and purpose into my life. Yet, on another, there’s an uneasy feeling of discontent lurking within me.
For a long time, I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. With all my might, I would try to escape the feeling, believing I was just acting like a bratty kid—always wanting more. Other times, I wrestled with the guilt of thinking I’d been cursed with the ‘grass is always greener’ mentality. Which in my opinion, is a sucky mindframe to live in.
Finally getting fed up with the incessant stubbornness of these feelings, I decided to sit with them for awhile, really listening to them.
And so I did.
But, the truth is this. I don’t know if I’ve really figured out what these feelings of discontent are trying to tell me. I didn’t come up with any concrete answers or big revelations.
All I know is that I want to live an amplified life.
I want to leave a mark in this world. I want to add value. Feel valued. Make other people feel valued.
Is this a universal feeling?
Something we all desire?
I don’t really know. I’m beginning to believe so.
I have so many big dreams for my life—eh, my family’s life—and the road doesn’t end at ‘mom’.
Am I being greedy?
I honestly don’t think so. Having Rafe has opened my eyes even wider to the life I want to live.
The life I long for him to experience.
The legacy I want to leave.
Becoming a mother adds another exhilarating role to my already dynamic list of wife, sister, friend, daughter. . . but it also creates holes in other areas. Rather than spending my day at a 9 to 5, I’m home keeping a tiny human entertained and alive. I’ve swapped work clothes for sweatpants. Lunch breaks for nap time. Lesson plans for tummy time.
Being a mom is incredible. I wear the badge of honor with both pride and gratitude.
But, I can’t lose sight of the bigger picture. Which sounds so crazy to say because Rafe is the bigger picture. He’s my world. Yet, I’m determined to make it as adventurous and memorable as possible.
I don’t have the answers. I’m not able to see into the future. I can’t guarantee my wildest dreams will come true.
But, I’m going to give it my best shot. With him by my side.
To life’s greatest adventures, whatever yours may be,